Ron Paul and the Federal Reserve...

So a lot of you have been asking me about Ron Paul and how much of a threat he poses to my quest for Presidency of the Universe in 2012 (it's in the bag).

Let me put it to you like this: every single U.S. President who has stood up against the Federal Reserve System has been assassinated. Till they were dead.

But I know you're all educated people so you already know all of this stuff.

Andrew 'Hardcore' Jackson was lucky to escape with his life when both guns aimed at his chest misfired, but during his twilight years his only friends were madness and a recurring delusion that he had in fact the killed the bane of his existence, the private central bank. He hadn't.

Lincoln printed his own interest-free money to fund the war against the south because he didn't agree with the interest rates that the international bankers were offering. They were very pissed off. He was shot and killed while in office.

James Garfield wanted control of the money supply, and he too was assassinated while in office.

JFK wanted a new interest-free currency to be distributed through the U.S. Treasury and not the Federal Reserve. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

So Ron Paul wants to run for President? I wish him all the best, but he doesn't have a chance. The only people who support him are bums, beatniks, hippies, idealists, losers, cowards and sweaty geeks who can't get laid. I don't want their votes. He can have them. Those demographics aren't going to be welcome in my Universe.

And if he does become President, I have every confidence that the Federal Reserve goons in my corner will correct whatever mistakes a rigged election, faulty computer voting systems, misplaced ballots and Fox News failed to correct. And that's a fact.

Now I'm off to have lunch for five hours with my good buddy Alex Jones.

Michael Bay Stole My Movie...

So I was doing bicep curls with a giant watermelon to really feel the pump, and Michael Bay phoned me and asked me if I wanted to be in his next movie, and I was like "No! Michael Bay, I don't want to be in your silly movie, I have to prepare for my inevitable ascendancy as President of the Universe in 2012 (vote for me if you want to live). Stop phoning me! EEYYARRGGH™!!"

And then I asked him: "So what's your next movie gonna be about?"

Michael Bay said: "It's about good robots and evil robots and clones of robots from the future who use the Earth as their battleground, and only a bunch of misfit human rebels can save the day. And there's gonna be lots of car chases and explosions. I think you'll really like it."

I didn't even slam the phone down in disgust. I crushed it in my hand, and then I was reminded of that time in my super-smash-hit movie at the box office True Lies when I smashed the window of my car and said to Tom Arnold "GIMME THE GOD DAMN PAGE™!!!"

HIS MOVIE?! MICHAEL BAY'S MOVIE?! Good robots, evil robots, clones from the future, a war of highly conceptualized proportions, car chases, explosions, humans who save the day... THAT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF MY MOVIES!! EEYYAARRGGGHHHHH™!!!!!!

FINISH IT! DO IT NOW™!!!

So even my good buddy Chuck Norris couldn't finish it EEEYYAAARRGGGHHH™!!!!!! He was really pissed off and was working himself up to unleash a roundhouse kick so powerful that the sonic boom which followed would have made 6194 species of plants and animals extinct. But I called him up just in time and told him that classic one-liner from my super-smash-hit box office movie Total Recall: 'Relax. You'll live longer™.' So he felt better after that and then he went to McDonald's and ate 7000 Big Macs in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

An Apology...

So I just want to say that I'm really sorry for what I wrote about Bill O'Reilly yesterday and I feel really bad about it.

I was out drinking the night before with my good buddy Alex Jones and my hangover felt worse than that time in my super-smash-hit box office movie Terminator 2: Judgement Day when the T-1000 was bashing me against the wall with that giant machine and that other time in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies when Jamie Lee Curtis hit me in the face with a telephone EEYYAAARGHH™!!!!

And when I woke up the phone was ringing and it was my good buddy George Lucas and he asked me if I wanted to be the comedy sidekick in the new Star Wars movie that he's making, Episode VII, so I slammed the phone down in disgust EEEYYYAARRGGGHHH™!!!!!

And then Maria slapped me in the face for being a Republican EEEYYAAARRRRGGGHH™!!!!

Bill, I was having a really bad day yesterday, and I'm sorry for what I wrote.

You're doing a terrific job for us, and I won't forget the hard work that you've put in over the years when I am elected President of the Universe in 2012 (start counting down).

And any time you want to come around to wash my Humvee or cut the grass, you're more than welcome.

What a Cocksucker...

So this cocksucker is really starting to piss me off.

Last week he turned up at my house and offered to wash my Humvee for me.

And then this morning he was waiting outside the gate when I walked down to pick up the morning paper (memo to self: construct sniper tower at the gate) wearing a stupid pair of bermuda shorts telling me something about a brand new lawn mower he'd just bought (memo to self: employ sniper) and how much he'd like to test it out by cutting my grass for me before heading home. Bill, half of the Mexicans in my State cut my grass!

And last year at the Republican Party party, he got really wasted and couldn't keep his mouth shut. "You know Arnie, you have a really nice house." I know dickhead, I live there! "You know Arnie, your wife is smokin'." I know bozo, she slaps me in the face every time I try to touch her boobies. "You know Arnie, your muscles are so..." At this point I wanted to do what I did to Bill Paxton in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies when he was talking too much, and smash that cocksucker Bill O'Reilly in the face.

Now don't get me wrong, I love his show. Maria and me are big fans. We love how he only interview spineless weaklings and girlie-men and then verbally beats on them until they break when they realise how futile their cowardly existense is! Hahaha! I love it when they break. I like to rewind and then play that part over and over again. What a show! It always reminds me of my super-smash hit apocalypse movie End of Days when I say to the Devil: "YOU ARE A CHOIR BOY™!!!"

But seriously Bill, you don't understand your relationship with me and my buddies in the New World Order. You work for us; you're not part of us. You're our little messenger boy. A glorified PR agent. A scrappy puppy who likes to bark a lot. We tell you what to say and you shut up and say it, because me and my buddies in the Republican Party pay your salary.

You're doing a spectacular job for us on the frontiers of propaganda warfare, and I respect you for it, but we are not your friends. You can't just come over to my house whenever you feel like it and suggest that we 'have a beer' or 'watch the game.' That's not how we roll.

And you're not getting any kind of special treatment in 2012 when I'm elected President of the Universe (I'm not joking). Your fate is gonna be the same as the rest of the worthless rabble.

And Bill, for the millionth time, I don't need you to light my stogie for me.

Evil Iceberg from the Future...

So my good buddy Jim Cameron called me up yesterday, and he was crying and sniveling and blubbering like a little baby.

After twenty minutes of simultaneous sobbing and coke sniffing, he said: "I miss the old days man. We just used to blow shit up. We don't do that anymore man. Now it's all Academy Award this, and governor that. I can't deal with that shit anymore. I should have listened to you and put you in Titanic instead of Leo. I can still remember the script..."

"Of course!" I said. "Just before the ship sinks I find a time machine in one of the toilets and go back in time by twenty-fours hours to warn myself that we are gonna be hit by a giant iceberg. But it turns out that the iceberg is actually an evil iceberg! From the future!

"And just as I step out of the time portal I bang my head on the poop deck and get amnesia, so I can't remember if I've come back in time to save everyone from the iceberg or to instigate a catastrophic chain of events that will eventually result in the destruction of the universe! EEEEYYAARRRGGGHHHH™!!

"But then the me from the present sees me making out with his hot girlfriend who is also my hot girlfriend in the future and so he tries to kill me! By steering the ship into a giant iceberg! EEYYAAARGGHHH™!!! And so I manage to stop him just in time, and right before I shoot him in the head, I say: 'YOU'RE GOING DOOWWWNN™!!'

"And then I light up a stogie and make out with my hot present girlfriend and my hot future girlfriend. At the same time! EEEYAARRGGGHHH™!!!"

That would have been a super-smash hit movie at the box office.

Single Stogie Theory...

So I didn't create this photo op. I just happened to be taking a walk in the woods near Lake Tahoe with a freshly lit stogie in one hand and a dumbell in the other. In the middle of fire season. In fact, the last twenty-four hours are a bit of a blur. I just happened to find this rusty dumbbell hidden in a thousand acre wasteland of destroyed forest. I mean come on, the first thing that pops into anybody's head when they see an old dumbbell is to start doing some bicep curls. It's not like I can do anything for the trees, so I might as well feel the pump. And no, I'm not concealing any evidence in my pocket. Like one stogie could have caused all of this.