Ron Paul and the Federal Reserve...

So a lot of you have been asking me about Ron Paul and how much of a threat he poses to my quest for Presidency of the Universe in 2012 (it's in the bag).

Let me put it to you like this: every single U.S. President who has stood up against the Federal Reserve System has been assassinated. Till they were dead.

But I know you're all educated people so you already know all of this stuff.

Andrew 'Hardcore' Jackson was lucky to escape with his life when both guns aimed at his chest misfired, but during his twilight years his only friends were madness and a recurring delusion that he had in fact the killed the bane of his existence, the private central bank. He hadn't.

Lincoln printed his own interest-free money to fund the war against the south because he didn't agree with the interest rates that the international bankers were offering. They were very pissed off. He was shot and killed while in office.

James Garfield wanted control of the money supply, and he too was assassinated while in office.

JFK wanted a new interest-free currency to be distributed through the U.S. Treasury and not the Federal Reserve. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

So Ron Paul wants to run for President? I wish him all the best, but he doesn't have a chance. The only people who support him are bums, beatniks, hippies, idealists, losers, cowards and sweaty geeks who can't get laid. I don't want their votes. He can have them. Those demographics aren't going to be welcome in my Universe.

And if he does become President, I have every confidence that the Federal Reserve goons in my corner will correct whatever mistakes a rigged election, faulty computer voting systems, misplaced ballots and Fox News failed to correct. And that's a fact.

Now I'm off to have lunch for five hours with my good buddy Alex Jones.

Michael Bay Stole My Movie...

So I was doing bicep curls with a giant watermelon to really feel the pump, and Michael Bay phoned me and asked me if I wanted to be in his next movie, and I was like "No! Michael Bay, I don't want to be in your silly movie, I have to prepare for my inevitable ascendancy as President of the Universe in 2012 (vote for me if you want to live). Stop phoning me! EEYYARRGGH™!!"

And then I asked him: "So what's your next movie gonna be about?"

Michael Bay said: "It's about good robots and evil robots and clones of robots from the future who use the Earth as their battleground, and only a bunch of misfit human rebels can save the day. And there's gonna be lots of car chases and explosions. I think you'll really like it."

I didn't even slam the phone down in disgust. I crushed it in my hand, and then I was reminded of that time in my super-smash-hit movie at the box office True Lies when I smashed the window of my car and said to Tom Arnold "GIMME THE GOD DAMN PAGE™!!!"

HIS MOVIE?! MICHAEL BAY'S MOVIE?! Good robots, evil robots, clones from the future, a war of highly conceptualized proportions, car chases, explosions, humans who save the day... THAT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF MY MOVIES!! EEYYAARRGGGHHHHH™!!!!!!

FINISH IT! DO IT NOW™!!!

So even my good buddy Chuck Norris couldn't finish it EEEYYAAARRGGGHHH™!!!!!! He was really pissed off and was working himself up to unleash a roundhouse kick so powerful that the sonic boom which followed would have made 6194 species of plants and animals extinct. But I called him up just in time and told him that classic one-liner from my super-smash-hit box office movie Total Recall: 'Relax. You'll live longer™.' So he felt better after that and then he went to McDonald's and ate 7000 Big Macs in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

An Apology...

So I just want to say that I'm really sorry for what I wrote about Bill O'Reilly yesterday and I feel really bad about it.

I was out drinking the night before with my good buddy Alex Jones and my hangover felt worse than that time in my super-smash-hit box office movie Terminator 2: Judgement Day when the T-1000 was bashing me against the wall with that giant machine and that other time in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies when Jamie Lee Curtis hit me in the face with a telephone EEYYAAARGHH™!!!!

And when I woke up the phone was ringing and it was my good buddy George Lucas and he asked me if I wanted to be the comedy sidekick in the new Star Wars movie that he's making, Episode VII, so I slammed the phone down in disgust EEEYYYAARRGGGHHH™!!!!!

And then Maria slapped me in the face for being a Republican EEEYYAAARRRRGGGHH™!!!!

Bill, I was having a really bad day yesterday, and I'm sorry for what I wrote.

You're doing a terrific job for us, and I won't forget the hard work that you've put in over the years when I am elected President of the Universe in 2012 (start counting down).

And any time you want to come around to wash my Humvee or cut the grass, you're more than welcome.

What a Cocksucker...

So this cocksucker is really starting to piss me off.

Last week he turned up at my house and offered to wash my Humvee for me.

And then this morning he was waiting outside the gate when I walked down to pick up the morning paper (memo to self: construct sniper tower at the gate) wearing a stupid pair of bermuda shorts telling me something about a brand new lawn mower he'd just bought (memo to self: employ sniper) and how much he'd like to test it out by cutting my grass for me before heading home. Bill, half of the Mexicans in my State cut my grass!

And last year at the Republican Party party, he got really wasted and couldn't keep his mouth shut. "You know Arnie, you have a really nice house." I know dickhead, I live there! "You know Arnie, your wife is smokin'." I know bozo, she slaps me in the face every time I try to touch her boobies. "You know Arnie, your muscles are so..." At this point I wanted to do what I did to Bill Paxton in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies when he was talking too much, and smash that cocksucker Bill O'Reilly in the face.

Now don't get me wrong, I love his show. Maria and me are big fans. We love how he only interview spineless weaklings and girlie-men and then verbally beats on them until they break when they realise how futile their cowardly existense is! Hahaha! I love it when they break. I like to rewind and then play that part over and over again. What a show! It always reminds me of my super-smash hit apocalypse movie End of Days when I say to the Devil: "YOU ARE A CHOIR BOY™!!!"

But seriously Bill, you don't understand your relationship with me and my buddies in the New World Order. You work for us; you're not part of us. You're our little messenger boy. A glorified PR agent. A scrappy puppy who likes to bark a lot. We tell you what to say and you shut up and say it, because me and my buddies in the Republican Party pay your salary.

You're doing a spectacular job for us on the frontiers of propaganda warfare, and I respect you for it, but we are not your friends. You can't just come over to my house whenever you feel like it and suggest that we 'have a beer' or 'watch the game.' That's not how we roll.

And you're not getting any kind of special treatment in 2012 when I'm elected President of the Universe (I'm not joking). Your fate is gonna be the same as the rest of the worthless rabble.

And Bill, for the millionth time, I don't need you to light my stogie for me.

Evil Iceberg from the Future...

So my good buddy Jim Cameron called me up yesterday, and he was crying and sniveling and blubbering like a little baby.

After twenty minutes of simultaneous sobbing and coke sniffing, he said: "I miss the old days man. We just used to blow shit up. We don't do that anymore man. Now it's all Academy Award this, and governor that. I can't deal with that shit anymore. I should have listened to you and put you in Titanic instead of Leo. I can still remember the script..."

"Of course!" I said. "Just before the ship sinks I find a time machine in one of the toilets and go back in time by twenty-fours hours to warn myself that we are gonna be hit by a giant iceberg. But it turns out that the iceberg is actually an evil iceberg! From the future!

"And just as I step out of the time portal I bang my head on the poop deck and get amnesia, so I can't remember if I've come back in time to save everyone from the iceberg or to instigate a catastrophic chain of events that will eventually result in the destruction of the universe! EEEEYYAARRRGGGHHHH™!!

"But then the me from the present sees me making out with his hot girlfriend who is also my hot girlfriend in the future and so he tries to kill me! By steering the ship into a giant iceberg! EEYYAAARGGHHH™!!! And so I manage to stop him just in time, and right before I shoot him in the head, I say: 'YOU'RE GOING DOOWWWNN™!!'

"And then I light up a stogie and make out with my hot present girlfriend and my hot future girlfriend. At the same time! EEEYAARRGGGHHH™!!!"

That would have been a super-smash hit movie at the box office.

Single Stogie Theory...

So I didn't create this photo op. I just happened to be taking a walk in the woods near Lake Tahoe with a freshly lit stogie in one hand and a dumbell in the other. In the middle of fire season. In fact, the last twenty-four hours are a bit of a blur. I just happened to find this rusty dumbbell hidden in a thousand acre wasteland of destroyed forest. I mean come on, the first thing that pops into anybody's head when they see an old dumbbell is to start doing some bicep curls. It's not like I can do anything for the trees, so I might as well feel the pump. And no, I'm not concealing any evidence in my pocket. Like one stogie could have caused all of this.

The Prime Minister and Me...

So I went to see Tony Blair in London a few weeks ago on his last ever formal appointment.

Along the way I asked my designated driver and 25-year member of Gold's Gym, Tyrone, to park up my official vehicle, Das Reglerhumvee, in front of the site where Planet Hollywood used to be in Piccadilly Circus.

I got out, told him to turn his back, and wept. Then I got back in, lit a stogie, and laughed because Willis and Stallone are broke-ass bums and not governors.

When we arrived at Downing Street, I was reminded of that classic line from my super-smash-hit box office movie Eraser with the lovely Vanessa Williams, were I told her to "GET DOWWWWN™!" as the supersonic guns ripped through the house where she was living with her boyfriend and then ripped through her boyfriend too.

Downing Street was not as good as Eraser because I didn't have my own trailer, couldn't smoke inside, and Vanessa wasn't there either. Not that I groped her or anything like that. She's black after all, and despite my father being a Nazi, my step-father being a Nazi, and my best friend, Kurt Waldheim, being a Nazi, I'm no racist.

I'd met Tony Blair before a few times, but I had completely forgotten how diabolically hideous his wife was EEEEYYYYAAAARRGGHH™! I must've put it out of my mind like when my memory was erased in Total Recall, that movie about Mars with the woman with three tits.

I wish Blair's wife had three tits, so I didn't have to look at her face EEEEYYYYAAAARRGGHH™!

Anyway, we had lunch for five hours, talked about me, my movies, clones, world domination, my impending presidency of the universe in 2012 (don't bet against it), and then we went to the Downing Street press conference.

It was all going well - I was doing my governor thing, he was doing his feudal overseer thing - until near the end of the press conference when he made the crack "I won't be back!" refering to the fact he was leaving office.

That really pissed me off. I hate that. Only I can make allusions to my super-smash-hit box office movie one-liners! In fact, in the state of California, I own the copyright to phrases like 'I'll be back™,' 'You're fired™,' and 'They caught a train™'.

Anyone who is heard uttering those phrases is immediately flogged, has all property and assets seized and turned over to me, and is sent to a Re-education Camp just outside LA. There they are taught acceptable alternatives like 'I will return shortly,' 'You are discharged as an employee of this firm,' and 'They hopped aboard a locomotive.'

As for that pisskopf Blair, I made it pretty clear after the press conference that when I'm President of the Universe in 2012 (laugh at your peril), he will not be on my Kreigmas card list, and I'll probably terminate him and all those he holds dear. Especially his 'wife', EEEEYYYYAAAARRGGHH™!

Attack of the Clowns...

So a few years ago my good buddy George Lucas came round to my recreation Bavarian 19th century hunting lodge in LA, the Schwarzeneggerberghof, to have lunch for five hours and talk about his newest merchandising project.

"Hey Arnie, I've finally got a name for my new movie! It's going to be called Episode II: Attack of the Clowns," he said, grinning like a small child that had become a fat man with an 8000 acre ranch and his own currency.

I spat the stogie I had just lit out of my mouth and gave him the same look I gave Art Malik in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies, when we were both in elevators racing to the top of that hotel - he was on a motorcycle, I was on my favourite horse, Siegfried the Avenger.

"Don't be ridiculous buddy," I said to George, who was covered in expensive stogie juice, "You can't make a movie about clowns and expect it to be a super-smash box office hit. Have any of my movies been about clowns?"

"But the thing about Star Wars..."

"Clowns aren't scary George. They entertain our gullible children with their painted faces and balloon animals, and then when they go home they get wasted on cheap whiskey and watch videos of hot naked lesbians making out."

"But the thing..."

"Come on buddy, how do you expect to make a super-smash-hit movie with an idea like that? What happened to you man? Back in '77 you were a god! Now look at you! You're trying to get rich by ripping off the American people with a cheap movie about clowns! That's pathetic. Do you know what's really scary George?"

"..."

"CLONES!! Make your movie about clones! All of my greatest movies have been about clones!"

"Er..."

"You see, the thing about clones is that it's an infinite loop of philosophical proportions! I mean, take the audience: they're all basically fat, stupid, helpless animals waiting for people like you and me to tell them what to do and what to think, to tell them how to live! They're all clones!! Clones of each other! And then they go to the cinema to watch my movies about clones and your movies about clones!! Clones watching clones! You see?! EEEYYYAAARRRGGGHHH™!!!"

So George said he would think about it.

Alex Jones, End Game and Clones...

So I was having a stogie with my good buddy Alex Jones the other day, and I was telling him about all the movies that I've made and all the money that I've made, and then Alex started telling me about his new movie End Game.

Apparently it's about the gradual erosion of national sovereignty in favour of a one world government that is secretly controlled and manipulated by a nefarious cabal of enlightened men and hot naked women.

I said to Alex: "But that movie's not gonna make any money at the box office! Don't you know anything about how to make a super-smash-box office-hit movie?!"

And my good buddy Alex was like "but I'm tryin' t' fight the Noo World Order!!"

So I said to him: "Alex, my good buddy, if you want to turn End Game into a super-smash-hit movie like my movies, and break box office records like all my movies, here's what you have to do:

"In the first ten minutes of the movie you have to cuss the masses for being idiots and you have to cuss the middle classes for having their heads up their asses. Then at the ten-minute mark you have to reveal that you've actually been working for the New World Order since 1998, and then you have to laugh maniacally! See? This is your Inciting Incident! You see??

"Then we find out that you'd actually used the New World Order technology to go to the future and make a clone of yourself to take back to 1998, and then you stole his identity and made the people think that he was the real you!

"But then the clone Jones goes back in time to make a clone of 7th US President Andrew Jackson, and takes him back to the future to fight the real Alex Jones who is actually in cahoots with the Devil and the Reptilian Overlords!

"And then David Icke says that he is actually the son of God but Bill O'Reilly tells him to 'Shut Up!'

"And then Andrew Jackson makes a Bill O'Reilly clone and takes him back in time to tell the Federal Reserve to 'Shut Up', but the Federal Reserve has actually been in cahoots with the Reptilian Overlords from the very beginning, and have already gone forward in time to clone Jones's Devil clone from 1998.

"Then the O'Reilly clone and the Jones Devil clone join the Federal Reserve, kill the real Jackson and clone the Jackson clone, then kill the Jackson clone, and instate the clone of the Jackson clone as President!

"And then my good buddy George Lucas makes a million Andrew Jackson clones from the clone of the clone of the real Jackson, and puts a Lucasfilm sticker on all their asses, and packs them up really nice and sells them to the public who then have to pay him interest by making two clones each of themselves to give to George!

"But George himself is a clone of the real George Lucas, who was once a rent boy at Bohemian Grove where he created Moloch as a comedy sidekick for Richard Nixon, who gave him a job in a studio that the Reptilian Overlords owned where they cloned him, and used the real George as a template for chicken-neck yuppies, and the clone George as a vehicle for propaganda and merchandising!

"That's what you have to put in your movie Alex! That's how you're gonna make End Game a super-smash-hit at the box office!"

So Alex said that he would think about it, and I was like "Trust me. I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger!"

Release the Spiders...

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