Attack of the Clowns...

So a few years ago my good buddy George Lucas came round to my recreation Bavarian 19th century hunting lodge in LA, the Schwarzeneggerberghof, to have lunch for five hours and talk about his newest merchandising project.

"Hey Arnie, I've finally got a name for my new movie! It's going to be called Episode II: Attack of the Clowns," he said, grinning like a small child that had become a fat man with an 8000 acre ranch and his own currency.

I spat the stogie I had just lit out of my mouth and gave him the same look I gave Art Malik in my super-smash-hit box office movie True Lies, when we were both in elevators racing to the top of that hotel - he was on a motorcycle, I was on my favourite horse, Siegfried the Avenger.

"Don't be ridiculous buddy," I said to George, who was covered in expensive stogie juice, "You can't make a movie about clowns and expect it to be a super-smash box office hit. Have any of my movies been about clowns?"

"But the thing about Star Wars..."

"Clowns aren't scary George. They entertain our gullible children with their painted faces and balloon animals, and then when they go home they get wasted on cheap whiskey and watch videos of hot naked lesbians making out."

"But the thing..."

"Come on buddy, how do you expect to make a super-smash-hit movie with an idea like that? What happened to you man? Back in '77 you were a god! Now look at you! You're trying to get rich by ripping off the American people with a cheap movie about clowns! That's pathetic. Do you know what's really scary George?"

"..."

"CLONES!! Make your movie about clones! All of my greatest movies have been about clones!"

"Er..."

"You see, the thing about clones is that it's an infinite loop of philosophical proportions! I mean, take the audience: they're all basically fat, stupid, helpless animals waiting for people like you and me to tell them what to do and what to think, to tell them how to live! They're all clones!! Clones of each other! And then they go to the cinema to watch my movies about clones and your movies about clones!! Clones watching clones! You see?! EEEYYYAAARRRGGGHHH™!!!"

So George said he would think about it.

Alex Jones, End Game and Clones...

So I was having a stogie with my good buddy Alex Jones the other day, and I was telling him about all the movies that I've made and all the money that I've made, and then Alex started telling me about his new movie End Game.

Apparently it's about the gradual erosion of national sovereignty in favour of a one world government that is secretly controlled and manipulated by a nefarious cabal of enlightened men and hot naked women.

I said to Alex: "But that movie's not gonna make any money at the box office! Don't you know anything about how to make a super-smash-box office-hit movie?!"

And my good buddy Alex was like "but I'm tryin' t' fight the Noo World Order!!"

So I said to him: "Alex, my good buddy, if you want to turn End Game into a super-smash-hit movie like my movies, and break box office records like all my movies, here's what you have to do:

"In the first ten minutes of the movie you have to cuss the masses for being idiots and you have to cuss the middle classes for having their heads up their asses. Then at the ten-minute mark you have to reveal that you've actually been working for the New World Order since 1998, and then you have to laugh maniacally! See? This is your Inciting Incident! You see??

"Then we find out that you'd actually used the New World Order technology to go to the future and make a clone of yourself to take back to 1998, and then you stole his identity and made the people think that he was the real you!

"But then the clone Jones goes back in time to make a clone of 7th US President Andrew Jackson, and takes him back to the future to fight the real Alex Jones who is actually in cahoots with the Devil and the Reptilian Overlords!

"And then David Icke says that he is actually the son of God but Bill O'Reilly tells him to 'Shut Up!'

"And then Andrew Jackson makes a Bill O'Reilly clone and takes him back in time to tell the Federal Reserve to 'Shut Up', but the Federal Reserve has actually been in cahoots with the Reptilian Overlords from the very beginning, and have already gone forward in time to clone Jones's Devil clone from 1998.

"Then the O'Reilly clone and the Jones Devil clone join the Federal Reserve, kill the real Jackson and clone the Jackson clone, then kill the Jackson clone, and instate the clone of the Jackson clone as President!

"And then my good buddy George Lucas makes a million Andrew Jackson clones from the clone of the clone of the real Jackson, and puts a Lucasfilm sticker on all their asses, and packs them up really nice and sells them to the public who then have to pay him interest by making two clones each of themselves to give to George!

"But George himself is a clone of the real George Lucas, who was once a rent boy at Bohemian Grove where he created Moloch as a comedy sidekick for Richard Nixon, who gave him a job in a studio that the Reptilian Overlords owned where they cloned him, and used the real George as a template for chicken-neck yuppies, and the clone George as a vehicle for propaganda and merchandising!

"That's what you have to put in your movie Alex! That's how you're gonna make End Game a super-smash-hit at the box office!"

So Alex said that he would think about it, and I was like "Trust me. I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger!"